April Fool’s Day

Be kind. I’ve heard of all kinds of pranks for April Fool’s Day but have decided it is best to leave the target a little dazed but not embarrassed. My first April Fool story was my grandmother’s tale of waking up in the middle of the night with some giggling teenage boys who walked into her house, picked up the feather mattress, hauled her outside and left her in the front yard.

She identified one boy by his laugh, a Chapman kid. The next morning neighbors mysteriously showed up to haul the mattress back into the house.

Every April Fool’s Day she pulled the same prank on my grandfather by yelling that “the cow is out and heading towards the highway.”

He fell for it every year. Or, maybe he just went along with it.

I somewhat regret writing to you about chemicals in the drinking water because dihydrogen monoxide is a chemical name for water, H2O.

“Dihydrogen monoxide,” truly is in all the water systems. It is corrosive, a major component of acid rain and is found in nuclear power plants. If you inhale too much, it could be fatal.

Well, yeah, I don’t know why someone would snort water in the first place but inhaling too much is called “drowning.”

A busy-body in another state went to the city council meeting and raked the bewildered pols over the coals and demanded they supply bottled water until the matter worked itself out.

The column appeared in her local paper, but after that fiasco, folks were mad at me as well.

This year will be low key and I am ready for it.

I have a stack of two-dollar bills I plan to use this week until they are gone.

More people, I believe, should carry and use two-dollar bills because it would save weight and space. Think of the number of trees that could be saved.

You might need to call the bank in advance, but I promise I’m not setting you up for a prank, and $2 bills do exist. They are as spendable as a one-dollar bill and perfectly legal.

Some people have never seen a twodollar bill and might be skeptical, but they can accept it or not: That is not your problem.

Some people think 50 Cent is just a rapper, but you can still get fifty cent coins. They are too heavy to carry around but you can if you want.

I use $2 bills for tip money, and you would be surprised at the number of times they were refused.

joenphillips@yahoo.com