Hoofin’ It
continued from page 3A
room stall teaching
World Geography I.
“We must ensure that all of the pupils are well-versed in the current world map,” Yanic said. “Classroom instruction starts with continents and oceans before diving into countries, lakes, rivers, and ponds. There are a lot of countries to keep up with — around 200 — and the reindeer are expected to know them all, along with capitals and landmarks.”
We stood in the back of the stall and watched as a very tall woman pointed to a large map on the wall and discussed some of the newer countries of the world.
“In Africa, South Sudan split from Sudan in 2011 and became the Republic of South Sudan,” I heard her say. “And in 2008, Kosovo declared its independence from Serbia. It’s located in the Balkans region of Europe and is officially the Republic of Kosovo.”
Yanic whispered, “In World Geography II, the reindeer learn more about the countries and their terrains through interactive games and simulations. It helps them practice and become familiar with the many landmarks of the world — the Statue of Liberty in New York, the Eiffel Tower in Paris, the Christ the Redeemer statue in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, etc. A high level of geographical knowledge is essential for reindeer helping navigate Santa’s sleigh on the big night.”
In the next classroom stall, four reindeer listened attentively to a lecture and jotted down notes with their hooves about Navigation, with an emphasis on celestial navigation. Guided by a seasoned expert, the reindeer learned to identify constellations in the nighttime sky, track the North Star, and use stars and planets to guide Santa’s sleigh around the world and through the vast darkness. There was some discussion about compasses, modern GPS devices, and paper maps, as well.
“Celestial navigation is almost failproof,” Yanic whispered. “Sometimes devices don’t work, but the stars and planets never fail to show up. They are always up there.”
We moved on to another stall where reindeer were busy with some kind of hands-on training.
“Welcome!” the young instructor said when we eased into the stall. “This is the Advanced Troubleshooting course. We work on skills to help the reindeer handle any unforeseen challenges that may arise on Christmas Eve. We cover things like flying through inclement weather and fixing various sleigh malfunctions with a small toolkit that Santa keeps on the back of his sleigh. Our reindeer must be able to think on their hooves and work together to overcome big and small problems on the fly.”
In another area, the Communications classroom, reindeer were being taught how to communicate more effectively with Santa and one another.
And in the Magic classroom stall, reindeer first seemed to be meditating, but I was told that they were learning to open themselves to the magic of Christmas and allow themselves to be used for the purpose of spreading goodwill throughout the world. A teacher stood at the front and talked soothingly to the herd, as if to hypnotize them.
“Close your eyes,” the teacher said softly. “Now, imagine yourself as you float up, up and up toward the moon. Now you are flying. Feel the cool wind on your face as you look down upon the tiny rooftops below …” Yanic whispered, “Physically, they have the ability to leap high and hang in the air, but the magic keeps them up there. The magic is the most important part of the equation. They learn to believe here, and when you believe you can do something, you can do it, and do it well.” As we approached the last stall in the barn, a dozen or so reindeer leaned over paper quizzes, frantically filling in the bubbles of multiple choice questions.
“Is this the testing area?” I asked.
“Yes,” Yanic answered. “We test them to ensure that they fully understand the training material. If they don’t pass a particular subject, they are allowed to sit through the lectures once more and retest. If they don’t pass the second time around, they have to wait a full year before they can try again. We don’t mess around here.”
I stood behind a reindeer and peered over his shoulder so I could read the entries on the last page of the test.
The first said, “True or False? Santa Claus is real.” And the reindeer had marked the circle next to the answer, “True.”
The last said, “True or False? The magic of Christmas is real and allows extraordinary things to occur that may seem impossible.” The reindeer had also marked the circle next to the word, “True.”
I nodded to communicate to Yanic Hoofin’ It
continued from page 4A
that I was ready to leave the testing area.
FLIGHT SCHOOL
After the reindeer attend the classes and successfully pass a written exam, there’s one more class they have to pass. The actual flight school is a mandatory final requirement of the program.
Just outside the barn, we observed a track area where reindeer waited in a single file line. One by one, the reindeer raced toward a mark on the track, then leapt high into the air. We watched each of the creatures circle the field high above us — their legs kicking forward and backward as if they were running through a forest instead of across the clouds. Then each made a gentle, effortless landing on the other side of the field.
“Wow, look at them go,” I said, marveling at how well each reindeer could fly.
“They believe they can, and so they do,” Yanic responded. “They practice taking off and landing for several weeks. Then we begin training them to fly longer distances — like training runners to run marathons.” After they build up some endurance, the reindeer are sorted into teams of four, harnessed together, and they train as a team. Again, they fly all around the North Pole in an effort to build up strength, endurance, and the skills to make the eventual aroundthe- world flight. “How are they evaluated?” I asked.
“Santa performs the final evaluation,” Yanic said. “In the final trial, we hook them up to Santa’s sleigh in teams of eight. We load the sleigh with boxes full of sand and lead, and Santa himself takes the reins and runs the final trial. Just after dark, he calls them each by name and commands them to take off. He guides the team to Sweden, then over to Iceland, then across Northern Canada to Alaska, and finally back to the North Pole. Along their journey, they land on several rooftops and take off from small cul-de-sacs. They fly around mountains and skyscrapers. They dodge airplanes. The trial takes several hours to complete, and afterwards, he makes his decisions.”
There are no letter grades at Antler Airborne Academy. It’s either pass or fail. The reindeer who attend the classes, pass the written examination, and receive a passing grade in flight school are invited to stay on permanently, with the understanding that in case of emergency, they may be called upon to pull Santa’s sleigh on Christmas Eve.
There’s even a graduation ceremony complete with an elf marching band and confetti cannons. Santa makes an inspirational speech and praises each reindeer for his or her hard work and perseverance. Then Santa calls each reindeer’s name, and one by one, they walk across a stage and receive a special red graduation harness studded with sleigh bells and LED lights.
Yanic pulled up photos on his phone and showed me smiling reindeer celebrating on graduation night with flutes filled with bubbly champagne. In one photo, a new graduate posed with Rudolph — his nose shining like a red lighthouse beacon.
“So that’s what we do here,” Yanic said. “Any questions?”
Yanic had shown me the process, but I needed to make sure that none of the recruits were being overworked, bullied, mistreated, kept against their will, drugged with steroids, or abused in any way.
After a long pause, I asked, “Would it be possible for me to talk to someofthereindeer going through the program alone?”
I could tell that my request bothered Yanic. He thought he was done with me. He gazed across the snowy field and scratched his beard with his hand, then he looked at me and said, “I guess. Who would you like to talk to?”
I pointed to two giant reindeer who had just landed on the other side of the field. Yanic blew a whistle and made a hand gesture for them to head our way, and the reindeer trotted over to us. He introduced me to the two reindeer recruits, Aurora and Everest, and then Yanic turned and walked away, leaving me to interview two arbitrary reindeer without the influence of the trainer.
REINDEER INTERVIEWS
Aurora was a very large female recruit with a large, curved rack of antlers. Indeed, reindeer are the only deer species in which females grow antlers.
Aurora told me that she was from the Yukon, a wild mountainous, Hoofin’ It
continued from page 5A
sparsely populated territory in northwest Canada and as a calf, she dreamed of becoming one of the reindeer who pulled Santa’s sleigh across the sky.
“I was very young when I first heard the sleigh bells and looked skyward,” she said. “I watched them fly overhead, and I knew that I wanted to do that when I grew up.”
I cleared my throat. “Has your experience at Antler Airborne Academy been a good one?” I asked.
“Absolutely,” Aurora said without hesitation. “I’ve learned so much, and I’ve met a lot of great reindeer here. We’re a big happy family. We all share a bond, because we love Christmas, and we all want to help in any way we can. Pulling Santa’s sleigh is what all of the reindeer here dream of.”
“Has anyone — human or creature — been mean or cruel to you, in any way?”
My question seemed to annoy her.
“Absolutely not!” she replied. “Everyone here is nothing short of wonderful.”
“I’m sorry but I have to ask — have any of the teachers or trainers injected you with steroids or other agents to help you enhance your performance in any way? Or do you know of instances when a reindeer took a doping agent on his or her own to perform better?”
Aurora looked me right in the eye and answered.
“No. Listen to me when I say this: That is not allowed or tolerated here, nor is it necessary,” she said. “Once you train and build up your strength and endurance, and once you truly believe in the magic, you can do anything. Anything! Believing in the magic is more effective than any drug could ever be at enhancing performance.”
Everest nodded in agreement. “We also submit to random drug testing by a third party testing facility that isn’t affiliated with Santa, Christmas, or the North Pole in any way,” Everest added to the conversation. “Reindeer that test positive for anabolic steroids or blood doping agents are sent home immediately and never allowed to return. They are questioned about where they acquired the steroids, and an independent panel investigates each incident. If trainers or assistants are involved in acquiring or administering the drugs to the reindeer, they are terminated and prosecuted in a North Pole court of law.”
“We haven’t had an instance in over 50 years,” Aurora interjected. “No one here feels there is a need for anything like that.”
I looked at Everest and Aurora and asked my final question.
“What’s it like to work with Santa? Please be honest. Is he as kind and good as he seems to be?”
“We all love Santa,” Everest said. “He’s the best. He’s as kind and wonderful as every child in the world knows him to be. He’s got a heart that’s the size of the sun and lives his life so that everyone feels his love and compassion.”
I asked if Santa has a temper when things don’t go as planned. “If Santa has a temper, he has hidden it from all of us,” Aurora chimed in. “I’ve never even seen him mildly irritated. I’ve never heard him raise his voice in anger. He’s jolly and encouraging all the time. That’s just who he is.”
And they noted that Santa has a playful streak, too. Twice a year, Santa and the elves file out onto the field of Antler Airborne Academy, just as the sun is setting, and all the humans and reindeer engage in an epic snowball fight.
“The reindeer games usually last for about thirty minutes, and by the end, we are all so exhausted and out of breath from playing and laughing so hard,” Everest said. “Then we sit out here in the moon glow of the early evening and everything gets still and quiet. Santa builds a blazing bonfire, and we sing Christmas carols and roast marshmallows for S’mores. We reindeer love marshmallows, by the way! And while we eat, Santa announces the MVPs of the snowball fight and gives out a few tinsel trophies. With that said, that evening always reminds us that we are one, big, happy family, united by our love of Christmas and our desire to serve Santa — and the world — on Christmas Eve.”
I was done with my interviews, and after a quick trip to the Human Resources office to review a few personnel records, I was ready to write my thorough assessment of the Academy. I said my goodbyes to Yanic and Annika, and I waved farewell to the herd of reindeer and the elves. An hour later, I was back in a helicopter and headed home to Georgia.
MY FINDINGS
I did not uncover any concerning, troubling, disturbing, or unlawful behavior at the North Pole facility — no animal cruelty, no bullying, no cover ups, no widespread steroid use, etc. I found nothing but love and fellowship on campus. Indeed, Antler Airborne Academy seems to be a safe environment that promotes and fosters love, kindness, honesty, helpfulness, knowledge, and physical fitness above all. The recruits and graduates are the best of the best.
The Academy stands as a testament to the meticulous preparation and training that Santa’s reindeer undergo for that ever-so-important Christmas Eve mission. Santa, the trainers, and instructors of this institution ensure that each reindeer emerges not only as a physically able draft animal, but also as a beacon of joy and readiness — ready to carry the spirit of Christmas to the farthest reachesoftheglobe. The Academy’s commitment to the humane treatment of its recruits and graduates was evident at every turn of my tour, and the Academy’s devotion to excellence ensures that, under the starry, starry sky, Santa’s mission of carrying gifts and love throughout the world will be successful year after year after year.
The reindeer who graduate from the program are prepared, happy, well cared for, and spectacular creatures. May Santa’s sleigh team soar with grace this year and every year, and may they continue to embody the magic and wonder that define the holiday season.
